You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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