Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Randomize
