just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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