I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
