my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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