This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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