I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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