You just made me feel so damn special
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
