I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
