I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
You were trust falling into bushes
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
