i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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