Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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