I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
