I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
