the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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