I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize
