Best friends brother. Beat that.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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