Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
