You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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