Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
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