filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
