My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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