Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
