my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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