woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
