dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
