Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
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