Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
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