Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
