if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
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