my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
