My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
