I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
did i just pee glitter
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
