I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
