You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Randomize
