i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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