Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
