ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
