the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
