Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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