Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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