I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
