Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
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