they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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