this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
