I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
