I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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