When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
