Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Randomize
