fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
