yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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